


I Lost You

by HeavenlyDisaster



Series: Letters From a Living Ghost [3]
Category: Mystalt - Fandom, The Rook (TV 2019)
Genre: Angst, More angst, Multi, Mutual Pining, Nightmares, One smoocher, Other, then angst again
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-23
Updated: 2019-12-23
Packaged: 2021-02-25 23:34:40
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,668
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21913750
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HeavenlyDisaster/pseuds/HeavenlyDisaster
Summary: Continued from Who Are You Really?Myfanwy decides whether to run or stay.  Her relationship with Gestalt becomes even more complicated.
Relationships: Gestalt (The Rook) / Myfanwy Thomas
Series: Letters From a Living Ghost [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1571962
Comments: 2
Kudos: 20





	I Lost You

Myfanwy was still on the fence about what to do next. Leaving seemed like the best option. How the fuck she was supposed to face Gestalt again after what she’d done to them the day before was beyond her. Maybe that was why the old her had wanted to keep it quiet. Though, she had to admit it made sense not to tell the new her about the relationship given what she’d put in the letter she wrote for them. 

She packed a bag and changed her mind then took the bag out to her car. She was ready to leave. Somewhere. The other box was still at the bank. The one that would get her out of the country. She couldn’t go back to the bank. She’d killed two people there and there might be other people waiting to kill her should she go back. She’d left the blue key in her apartment anyway. 

She turned to go back for it and was almost back to the lifts when she noticed two men loitering nearby. They weren’t doing a great job of disguising themselves, but it wasn’t anything out of the ordinary she didn’t think. Not until she noticed the gloves. The white, Latex gloves she distinctly remembered Gestalt saying was a sign of Vultures. 

Myfanwy fumbled for her phone and dialed the first number that came up. Farrier. She was unbelievably calm for the situation. And she kept telling her to walk, not run. That went against everything her instincts were telling her. She listened anyway. What did she know? At least Farrier seemed well versed in escaping Vultures. 

Her muscles felt like Jell-O as she descended the escalator to the tube. She saw them from the corner of her eye and picked up the pace forgetting about Farrier’s don’t run instruction and focusing only on her desire to get away. Alex Gestalt appeared before her at the bottom of the escalator. He moved past her and caught the man in the throat before shoving him to the up escalator. 

“Get on the train!” He shouted at her. “And head North!” 

Myfanwy was trying to keep herself calm. Walk, don’t run. Get on a train heading North. Stay calm. She stood on the platform feeling anxious. She tugged her hood down further and tried to keep an eye out for another gloved man. The train pulled up to the platform and the doors opened. She thought she could sigh with relief once she was safely inside, but a man rushed the train at the last second. 

Myfanwy saw the gloves. Saw the look in his eyes. She turned and scrambled through the crowded train away from him. She wasn’t moving fast enough. It was too hard with everyone in the way. And then Gestalt was there again. Eliza pushed her behind them and she and Teddy delivered simultaneous blows to the man’s gut. He doubled over and Teddy dragged him to the back of the train. Eliza took her arm and led her into the next car. 

“I need your coat,” Eliza said, pulling her own off her shoulders. 

Myfanwy’s hands moved stiffly. She slid the zipper down and pulled it off before Eliza handed her coat over and instructed her to put it on theirs. The train pulled to the next stop and Myfanwy turned to leave, but Eliza stopped her. 

“What?” 

“Stay here,” she ordered. 

Myfanwy’s stomach sank. She shook her head. “No. No, please.” 

Someone tapped her arm and pulled her back into the train car. Myfanwy turned, ready to scream and let out her breath at the sight of Robert behind her. When she turned back, Eliza was gone. Robert pulled her back into the train to wait for the next stop. She hoped they couldn’t see how much she was shaking. She’d humiliated herself in front of them enough as it was. 

They got off at the next stop. Robert wasn’t especially talkative. That was fine. She didn’t know what she was supposed to say in the first place. She’d already apologized several times over for misleading them. For... acting on instinct. 

Robert held open the passenger door on the Range Rover for her. Myfanwy assumed a security measure. Unless it was a habit. Maybe something they did for the past her. Myfanwy could feel every nerve in her body. Every hair standing on end. Everything in her ready for the slightest hint of danger and it wasn’t going away. The extreme vigilance. 

“Myfanwy?” Robert said, quietly. 

She hadn’t realized they were stopped. Slowly, she turned to look at them. 

“Are you alright?” 

Myfanwy swallowed hard. She didn’t know how to answer. She wasn’t hurt. The Vultures hadn’t touched her thanks to them. But she was very far from alright. She opened her mouth to try and form some answer for them, but no sound came out. She shut her mouth again and opened her door instead. 

Robert followed her into the office. She only felt secure once she was beyond the security panels in the stairwell. Robert was still with her. For the first time since the train, he touched her again. He grabbed her elbow and steered her into the alcove in the stairwell. 

“Take a deep breath,” he said evenly. Myfanwy didn’t know why, but she complied. The corner of his mouth twitched upwards slightly. “Good. Let it out, slowly.” 

Some of her tension went with her breath. “Thank you.” 

They smiled a bit wider now. “You don’t have to thank me. It’s my job.” Their face spasmed and he looked away with a small moan. 

“What happened? Are you okay?” Myfanwy grabbed their arm and peered up at them intently. As if she could see the problem if she looked hard enough. 

Robert shook his head. “It’s nothing. I was shot. Eliza’s in the infirmary.” 

Myfanwy’s heart sank. She mounted the stairs and raced upstairs as fast as she could. She’d been in the infirmary herself just the day before. But in a different part of it. Some laboratory area. Gestalt was in an actual room. 

Eliza was tearing the blood pressure band from around her arm by the time she walked in. She looked pale. Maybe she’d always been that pale. Myfanwy knocked at the door before walking in. 

“Hi. I thought you might want....” She held up the coat in her arms as she took in Eliza in the hospital bed. She’d been shot. Shot protecting _her_. 

Eliza smiled gently at her. “I told you, it’s nothing.” She sat up and shifted in the bed, pausing to press a hand to her back and groan softly. Just the way Robert had in the stairwell. Her concern must’ve shown on her face, because Eliza smiled at her again. “It was only a sedative,” she reassured. 

Eliza pulled her legs back under her and nodded at Myfanwy to sit down. “I’m _so_ sorry.” 

Eliza shook her head. “I already told you. This is my job.” 

“But-” 

“But, nothing. I don’t know what shit she got mixed up in, but it isn’t your fault.” 

Myfanwy ducked her head and stared at the coat. “You’re incredible.” She glanced back up to see Eliza’s cheeks a pretty pink. She had the strongest urge to kiss her just then. Just like she’d had the urge to ride Robert until her head cleared. 

Eliza covered her hand with theirs. It only made her urge stronger. “You’re alright?” 

Myfanwy nodded, but they were closer now. She was a breath away. Eliza took a deep breath and leaned away. Myfanwy blinked hard. She couldn’t place this new feeling. Unfamiliar as it was. She’d felt fear, confusion, anger, horror, and lust. She could place them eventually, it just took a while. 

“Sorry,” Eliza said. 

Myfanwy’s brows drew together. Confusion was a feeling she was well acquainted with. She was still trying to work through the other one. “Why?” 

Eliza frowned and shrugged. “You just... looked disappointed.” 

Myfanwy eyes brightened. “Disappointed. That was it,” she agreed. 

Gestalt tipped their head to the side to regard her. “How much of it is gone?” 

Confusion again. “All of it? I thought last night....” 

Eliza shook her head. “No, I know the personal memories are gone, but your language center is still intact. You must know some things.” 

Myfanwy nodded. “Um, I know basic geography. Maths. French, I think? I know who the queen is and the prime minister.” 

A nurse came in then. She smiled at them brightly. “Stats look good. Just need to sign you out.” 

Eliza stood abruptly and walked to the other side of the bed. Her personal effects were in a plastic bag on the bedside table. Myfanwy noted Eliza’s medical file. It was extensive. Multiple pages. Myfanwy had to wonder at her own medical file. It would probably tell her more than anything Farrier gave her. She made a mental note to figure out a way to read it. Stealing a nurse’s I.D. card wasn’t out of the realm of possibilities. 

“Look,” Eliza called from the window. 

Myfanwy turned and went to see what she was looking at. Two operatives were dragging an unconscious man from the back of a white van. Myfanwy had no idea what or who she was looking at. Gestalt knew that. 

“Peter Van Syok,” they supplied. “Known member of the Lugat.” 

Myfanwy leaned closer to whisper so the nurse wouldn’t hear. “I don’t know the Lugat.” 

Eliza nodded. “I’ll meet you in your office, yeah?” 

Myfanwy gave a last glance over at the nurse before heading out of the infirmary and up towards her office. Her eyes flitted around to everyone that so much as passed her in the hallway. Her guard went right back up as if more Vultures were going to appear in the office halls to drag her off lord knows where. 

She glanced at Ingrid briefly before ducking inside her office. She felt like there were a million eyes on her. Everyone was watching her. They weren’t really. Every time she looked up they were all buried in their own work. Still, the feeling would not go away. 

A hand touched her elbow lightly and she nearly jumped clear out of her skin. It was Alex. She took a breath and forced a smile onto her face. “You’re going to tell me everything now?” 

“I’ll do my best. I’ll fill you in on whatever you’re unsure of.” They grimaced. “At least, as much as I can.” 

“As much as you can?” 

Alex put a hand in his hair and ruffled it the same way she’d seem Robert do in her flat the night before. Right before he’d kissed her. “I don’t know everything, Myf. And some things I do know....” He shook his head again. “I’ll do my best.” 

“But you won’t tell me everything.” 

Alex stared at her tensely. 

“Why?” 

He gave a light shake of his head. The mess of blonde curls bounced playfully around his face. “Some things are personal.” 

Myfanwy blinked. “Personal.” She stepped around her desk and stood behind her chair. “But it’s about me.” 

Alex sighed. “Look, I’ll answer your questions. I’ll fill you in on the Lugat and the Checquy and everything else I can, but -” 

“But you don’t want to tell me about me. About who _I_ was. The one thing that really _fucking_ matters.” She sat down hard in her chair and crossed her arms over her chest. 

“I didn’t say I wouldn’t tell you anything. Let’s start with the Lugat. Th-” 

“Don’t bother. I’ll figure it out on my own,” she snapped. 

Alex stared at her looking for all the world like he was being ripped apart. Myfanwy spun her chair around so that she wasn’t looking at him anymore. A heartbeat later, Ingrid opened the door adjoining their offices. 

“Papers for you to sign, Myfanwy,” Ingrid announced. She wheeled herself over to her desk and pulled up a file stuffed with forms. Myfanwy turned back around and picked up a pen from her desk. She glanced up at Alex who was still standing in her office. Ingrid pulled up a form and pointed to where Myfanwy needed to sign before looking over at him. “Shouldn’t you be down in interrogation?” 

He swallowed hard and breezed out of her office without another word. Myfanwy settled into her work. Ingrid was only too helpful. After a few hours, she saw Gestalt trickle back into the conference room and around the offices. Myfanwy ignored them and focused on her other problems. She found that Van Syok was being held in the Checquy’s private prison. A notion that put a sick feeling in the pit of her gut. 

Once most of the office personnel had cleared out for the night, she made her way down to the Box. She knew the codes to turn off the cameras and let herself in. She wasn’t sure what she was hoping to learn from him. Why he was chasing her down, maybe? The deal her past self had struck with them perhaps? He knew more than she thought. Enough to send her running from the room. 

She was halfway up the stairs back to her office when she was stopped by Teddy Gestalt. She took a half step back keeping her eyes on him. She worked to slow her breathing. Something she was terrible at. 

“You alright?” 

“Fine.” 

Teddy frowned at her, taking the final step down to share the small platform with her. “What did he say?” 

Myfanwy scowled. “Worried he told me something personal?” 

Teddy shut his eyes briefly and gave a half shake. “I didn’t mean that the way it came out.” 

“He said something about Glengrove,” she admitted. 

Gestalt nodded and glanced away. “Of course, he would.” 

Myfanwy stared up at him. “You’re not going to tell me what that is, are you?” 

Teddy tilted his head at her. “Course I will.” He glanced up and around. “Just not here.” 

“Forgive me if I don’t take your word for it.” 

“Myfanwy....” 

“He says it was someone here that took my memory. One of you.” She held their eye. Challenge clear. 

A crease formed on his brow as they worked through her accusation. “You think I did this to you?” 

“How would I know?” 

Teddy opened his mouth to reply, but stopped and shook their head. He turned and started back up the stairs, stopping five or six steps up. “I could have lied to you last night. About Bristol. All I’ve wanted for the past decade is for you to forget about him. But only one of us lied last night and it wasn’t me.” 

He continued up the stairs leaving Myfanwy buried under the weight of his words. They were right. She’d lied to them. A lie of omission, but a pretty big fucking lie all things considered. She was barely keeping her head above water and here she was shoving away the one person (people?) that actually cared about her. That wanted to help. Whatever stipulations they may have, they had more answers than she did. 

She set off to the infirmary. She could dig up some answers herself from there. She scrolled through her medical file with hope in her heart. Only to find herself deeply disappointed. Everything that might have been useful to her had been redacted. The only thing that held so much a clue to who she was was the Glengrove House logo in the bottom left corner of the documents. She shut off the computer screen and started out of the office. 

Eliza was waiting for her in the hallway downstairs. She adjusted her coat and eyed her warily. Ready for them to bite her head off for throwing around her blind accusations. 

“I’ll drive you home.” Was all they said before walking towards the car park. 

Myfanwy followed after, but couldn’t help but think that body should be taking it easy. They were just shot. Sedative or not. It had put them in the infirmary. She sat in the passenger seat of their Jeep as Eliza drove the route back to her flat. Something slowly working its way into familiarity. 

“How about we make a deal?” Eliza said as they approached her building. 

“A deal?” 

They nodded. “You can ask me anything you want and I will answer it to the best of my ability. If a question gets too... sensitive I’ll ask you for a different question.” They pulled to a stop and shut off the Jeep. “Does that sound agreeable?” 

“So if I ask you something like how we met you’d say...?” 

Eliza smiled at her then. Tender. Myfanwy had the urge to kiss her once again. “I’d say we met at Glengrove. Your first day in the dormitories. We shared a room.” 

“And when I ask about Glengrove?” 

Eliza’s smile drooped. “It was....” She sighed. “It was a school. For kids with abilities like we have. I was raised there from the time I was four years old. Trained all my life to do, well, that’s a bit trickier. They taught me how to separate my bodies. So I could complete multiple tasks at once. _You_ they never quite managed to train up. You didn’t display your abilities until much later. You were fourteen.” 

“And the bad part?” Myfanwy pressed. 

Eliza grimaced and leaned back in her seat. Her hands clenched around the steering wheel. “I suppose it all came down to _how_ they trained us. We weren’t really children to them. Just... test subjects? You burning the place down was probably the best thing to happen there in decades.” 

Myfanwy stared down at her upturned palms. “I burned it down?” 

Eliza slid one of her hands over Myfanwy’s. “Not the way you think. I told you, it was an accident.” They frowned. “But, even I don’t fully understand what happened that day.” 

Myfanwy touched her fingertips to Eliza’s wrist lightly. She was soft. Softer than she’d imagined, even. Her eyes flicked up to theirs and back down to the hand just above hers. Eliza cleared her throat lightly. 

“I think that’s enough for now. You... you should get some sleep.” Eliza pulled her hand away and settled it back on the steering wheel. Myfanwy nodded and opened the door to get out. “I didn’t do this to you, Myfanwy. But I swear I won’t stop until we find out who did.” 

Myfanwy nodded shortly and closed the door. Her apartment seemed so large and empty. The last time she had come home it had been with Robert. She could still feel their lips on hers. She wondered if Eliza would feel different to kiss. Or Alex or Teddy for that matter. It was a short trip to dirtier thoughts from there. 

She jumped in the shower to clear off the stress of the day. It didn’t really help, but she was clean. The moment she shut her eyes to sleep, the memories of that morning flooded her. She shook herself and rolled to her side. She focused on Gestalt. Imagining kissing Eliza. If she’d been allowed to kiss her in the infirmary. If she’d been able to do anything more than babble mindlessly about what trivial things she knew or didn’t know. 

Sleep came, but it wouldn’t stay. Myfanwy jerked awake panting and covered in sweat. Some part of her was completely convinced that if she went out to her living room, the Vultures would be there waiting to knock her out and drag her away. She grappled for her phone and dialed Eliza’s number. 

The phone rang three times before it was answered. “Myfanwy?” 

“I’m.... There’s.... H-how did they know where to find me?” She managed. 

“What?” Eliza’s voice was clearer now, less sleep filled. 

“They were here. They were at my building this morning. What if they know. What if they’re here? I can’t control my power and if they come back I can’t-” 

“Myfanwy, Myfanwy, relax. Take a breath. You’re alright. You’re safe.” Eliza told her gently. 

Myfanwy was already shaking her head. “No. You don’t know that. They could be here right now. Just waiting.” There was a knock at her door and Myfanwy let out a yelp almost dropping the phone. 

“Hey, hey, it’s just me, sweetheart. I need you to open the door, alright?” Eliza soothed. 

Myfanwy moved toward the edge of the bed and stopped before putting her feet on the floor. “What if they’re already in here? What if-” 

“Nobody is in there with you. I promise. Just open your door for me.” 

Myfanwy clutched the phone to her ear tightly as she moved to her front door. She unlocked it and pulled it open, hiding behind it. Alex smiled at her and shuffled inside. Myfanwy watched him peek around her furniture and out her windows. It was a minute before she realized they had hung up the phone on her. Not that they needed it just then. 

“Nobody here, Myf,” Alex reassured. 

Myfanwy set the phone on her kitchen counter and wrapped her arms around her shoulders. She nodded slowly, her eyes jumping around to every shadow and making sure each attached object was accounted for. Alex moved forward and cupped her cheek in one of his big hands. He caught her eyes with his. 

“I’m here, alright? I’ve been here the whole night. Nobody is coming after you like that again.” 

Myfanwy launched herself against their chest, burying her face against their shoulder and wrapping her arms tightly around their waist. His arms stayed where they were for a moment. Frozen like a statue. They curved around her back and she instantly felt safe. Truly safe. That was a first. 

“Hey,” Alex cooed softly in her ear, “hey, you’re alright. It’s okay.” His hands rubbed up and down her back. 

“It’s not,” she sobbed. “Nothing’s okay.” 

There was a short pause before Alex lifted her into his arms and carried her over to the couch to sit down. He kept and arm around her shoulders, but kept the rest of their body carefully away from her. Nothing really was okay. The only thing she could ever remember wanting was something she couldn’t ever have. 

“You need a distraction,” Alex decided. “Ask me a question. Anything.” 

Myfanwy sniffled and stared back across her flat at her bed. She had been distracting herself before the nightmares. Very specific distractions. Alex jostled her shoulders lightly. 

“C’mon, I know you’ve got loads of questions stored up for me.” Myfanwy could hear the smile in their voice. “Ask me one.” 

Myfanwy was quiet a moment longer. “How long had you and me – the old me – been sleeping together?” 

Alex’s hand loosened then dropped from her shoulder. “Ask a different question.” 

Myfanwy pulled her knees up to her chest and rested her chin on them. “Who started it?” 

She could see his curls flop as he shook his head. “Not that one either.” 

“What would we be doing right now if I hadn’t had my memories stolen?” Myfanwy challenged. 

Alex stared at her silently. 

She squeezed her eyes shut and shook her head. “No... I know that one.” 

“What?” 

Myfanwy met their eyes again. “You wouldn’t have left me alone for a minute if Vultures had pursued me while I had my memories intact.” 

“I didn’t leave you tonight.” 

Myfanwy wrapped her arms around herself and glared at the floor. “Maybe you should have just let them take me away this morning. Save yourself this grief.” 

Alex grabbed her arm and pulled. “I will _never_ let them take you. I’ll burn the bridges, bomb the airports, sink every ship in the harbor before I let them sell you and ship you off. I’ll start a war with all seven billion people on this fucking planet.” 

Myfanwy stared at them for a moment. “That’s some declaration from someone that can barely stand to look at me.” 

It was so quick Myfanwy wasn’t sure who kissed who, but suddenly their mouths were on each other. Alex’s hand pawed at her bare thigh while the other pressed her closer. Myfanwy fisted her hands in his hair and sighed into his mouth. His tongue was warm and sweet against hers. His cheek was smooth while Robert’s stubble had scratched against her skin and sent chills everywhere. Somehow, it still felt like she was kissing him. Kissing all of them. 

Myfanwy slid onto their lap. She could feel them through the thin material of their track suit pants. All she wanted was to feel them again. To listen to their heart beating beneath her ear in the aftermath and reach that same clarity she’d had the night before. That she could trust nobody in the world save Gestalt. 

Alex jerked away from her suddenly. He stared at her with some expression she couldn’t quite place before he spun and dumped her onto the couch and quickly walked to the other side of the flat. Myfanwy stared after him, her lips still swelling from the fervency of their kiss. 

“ _Shit!”_ Alex slammed his palms down on the counter. He rested his elbows over the spots he’d hit and covered his face with both hands. 

Myfanwy brought her right knee back up to her chest and hugged it to her chest. “Tell me how you really feel,” she muttered. 

Alex glared at her. He gestured between them. “This isn’t okay.” 

Myfanwy swallowed back the lump forming in her throat and looked away. “Felt okay to me.” 

“You don’t get it!” 

Myfanwy slammed her foot down. “No! I don’t get it! I don’t get anything. And as soon as I think I get something, it changes! I’ve got about forty-eight hours’ worth of memories and I have felt terrified and sad and confused and horrified and disappointed and exhausted for about forty-seven and a half of them. I have roughly thirty minutes that I can say I actually felt some sort of good. Thirty minutes. Two of them were just here and the rest were in there.” She nodded at the bedroom. “But none of that was okay.” 

Alex stared at her. Myfanwy huffed and stood up again. Alex dropped his head and shook it slowly. “I’m sorry. But you really don’t understand.” 

“Then _explain_ it to me.” 

“I can’t!” They cried. He turned his hands palms up. His fingers flexed in agitation. 

“Oh. Some ‘personal’ bit I’m not allowed to know about, is it?” Myfanwy crossed her arms over her chest and glared at the floor. 

“You feel the same,” they said after a minute. “You feel like Myfanwy. And most of the time, you act like her, too. And then there’s other times when it’s so obviously not you. Her.” They stopped and pulled at their hair. “It feels like I’m cheating on you _with_ you. And I know that doesn’t make sense. It barely makes sense to me. But I feel it and the guilt that comes with it.” 

Myfanwy stared at the floor, her gaze softer now. “I’m still her. She’s still me. Sort of. I can feel it. Her. Me. I feel it when I kiss you. When I touch you. I don’t know you mentally. It’s more like... muscle memory. Being with you is comfortable. Safe. _Good_ _.”_

Alex didn’t say anything for a long time. The silence stretched between them and Myfanwy felt like she could see the baseline for their entire history together. 

“I just need a bit of time. I need to... sort myself out.” Alex smiled weakly at her and started for the door. “Try to get some sleep. I’m not going to let anybody hurt you so you don’t need to worry about that.” 

Myfanwy wanted nothing more than to drag them into the bedroom and prove to them just how connected they still were. Instead, she watched as they disappeared through the door and made sure to lock it behind them before going to sleep again. 

**Author's Note:**

> No, I don't know why I'm posting these as individual fics. It might have something to do with writing them all in separate documents at different times and in different head spaces. IDK.


End file.
